There is an interesting thing about life: you can’t control it, no matter what you think. There might be some people out there who will tell you that they are in control of their life, that they are the masters of their fate. While I agree with some of the concepts, you just can’t control everything about how the world works. I believe that life happens to you, despite what plans you have made. However, despite how much I believe this, I also have been trying to control my own life for so long that I don’t really even know where the plans I’ve made are going. Lately I’ve just been trying to hang on before life seems to sweep me away. 

Let’s get real for just a moment. I hate my job. Hate is a strong word, I know, but I just really don’t like it. There are parts of my job that I like, and enjoy. I like being challenged and I like being able to to set my own schedule, and I like some of the environment. I hate that I know that my job really isn’t going anywhere. It taught me a few things about the real world that I never knew, but I miss the good old days. I miss BBRED, and I miss actually having people at work in which to speak.

I have to make a sidebar here, Frank Sinatra’s “My Way” just started playing. Thanks for the irony there, Windows Media Player.

So I just graduated with an MBA. This is literally the perfect time in my life to choose a course and start moving in that direction. I just can’t figure out what it should be, though. I can continue my education, which seems like the safe bet. I’ve been getting more education for so many years now that I feel like that is actually my job. I can stay where I am, and just live for a little bit. That’s an acceptable route, but it feels too safe. It feels like I’d be wasting the work I’ve put into educating myself. I could apply for a job at a video game company like I’ve been saying I wanted to for so long, but that has it’s own measure of figuring out what is going on. Frankly it’s a little scary.

Those are just the decisions to be made in my professional life, my personal life is so messed up that I don’t really know what options are available anymore. My parents have been all over me to “settle down” and to have kids. I have to say, it’s not like I haven’t been trying to settle down. I don’t really know about the kids part, but every time I talk to them the topic of meeting someone comes up and I honestly dread the conversation. Am I too proud to admit that I am pretty lonely? Maybe, but it’s true. When you’re in this state you start thinking about all the people in your past and how you did, or did not, work.

Mainly, though, I’ve been thinking about the ways I didn’t work. I don’t really think I’ve ever been a great boyfriend. I’ve done all of the things that I’ve felt like have been expected of me, but sometimes I think that wasn’t enough. I can look back through each relationship and really identify areas where I could have been better. Maybe that’s the purpose of dating? Is to discover who you are with someone? I’ve been with people that I really clicked with, but just never had that chance to really connect. I’ve been with people that were so different from me that it was ridiculous to think we’d ever become something.

So maybe it’s time to give up. Maybe it’s time to really let go of the iron grip I have on my life and just let things happen. It seems like an odd decision in the long run, to stop trying.

Okay, Tom Petty “Running Down a Dream” just came on. What in the crap?? I’ve got this serious post about letting my life take over and do it’s own thing and there are all these songs about chasing after life. Maybe that’s the real message I’m supposed to take from this. I need a drink. And someone to drink it with.