This week is shaping up to be pretty interesting. I honestly thought it was going to be one of those weeks that was going to drag by and be eventfully uneventful. I think I’m becoming fond of phrases that counteract each other. Anyway, with the COBA poll this week, I’ve basically been chained to my desk all day, then stuck here for most of the night working to make sure students actually call people to annoy instead of make up data. It’s really difficult to do research with false data. What’s funny is when you are making something up you think you’re being really clever and giving answers that seem legit, but over a consistent period of time we can totally tell if data is false. Let’s be frank, people just aren’t that interesting to come up with some of the responses that are made up. But the COBA poll isn’t the highlight of this week, oh no.
I seem to be reconnecting with someone, and I think that’s pretty cool. I don’t know where this is going, and I’m pretty sure it’s just one of those “haven’t seen you in a while” type things, but who knows? I honestly don’t know what to think, which gives me the uneasy feeling that I’m going to do something stupid. Yeah, you know that feeling I’m talking about. It doesn’t necessarily relate to people, more to any way you can end up making yourself look like a complete idiot. Sometimes you have to look like an idiot though. Some things are worth sacrificing personal dignity over, right? Let’s hope it doesn’t go that far. Honestly, I’m getting so far ahead of myself that I just stepped on my own ankle. I’ve been known to over analyze things to my own detriment, so I will now make a vow to be cool, like the Fonz, and not make any sudden, or rash, decisions.
Okay, that’s out of the way. What else? I got a referral to do another website. I just left the meeting not too long ago, they are currently just looking for proposals, shopping around, so to speak. But I came “Highly Recommended”, from what I was told. This strikes two thoughts in me: 1) When did I become someone who’s work was highly recommended? and 2) Who the hell am I? To address the first thought, I never really thought that my work was all that good to begin with. I know I’m pretty critical of myself, especially my work, but come on. I never even really wanted to do this type of thing, it was just one of those instances where I needed a job, knew a little about websites, and wham-o, four years later I am a webmaster and doing independent design on the side. I honestly don’t feel I am disciplined enough to handle this type of responsibility, I need to step it up a notch.
And that addresses the second point. I’m afraid I’m becoming an adult. No one is more shocked about this than me. I mean, I know I’ve always been mature and the person who has had to take care of things. I get that, but that’s just living life. This is something completely different. I knew something had changed when I got in my earnings statement from my retirement fund. I mean, I read the thing (and was pretty pissed by what it contained, freaking stock market). I never really thought I’d be one of those people, though. You know, the ones who have stuff together. Up until a while ago I feel like my life was an accident cause and reaction. Something happened and I moved to address that, and ended up in a new position, and I basically just stumbled through life this way.
That’s not a great way to live, I know, but I was happy with it. The only nagging part about the situation was waiting for that moment to happen in which everything aligned and I had a moment of profound luck. I still don’t think I honestly know where my life is going, but I do feel like things are coming together. I’m pretty sure this is all psychological. I mean, every day I get closer to thirty, and for some reason that is a scary number. It feels like two days ago that I was ten years old playing in the woods. I’m profoundly moved by how sudden life occurs. And I honestly feel a little cheated. I want my time back. Will it be another few moments before I’m fifty and looking back on the last twenty years like they were just a few moments ago?
I don’t know, but I am starting to realize that maybe I need to catch life and tame it before it ends me.
