So I’ve seriously begun writing, or at least attempting to. I’ve been doing it in my spare time for about two hours a night, though the past few I’ve just been too distracted to really get anything done. It’s strange, the first night words just seemed to slip from my fingers onto the keyboard. The next night, however, I just completely lost focus on the story. I’m not sure what the reason behind it was, I guess sometimes the creative flow just isn’t doing its thing.

I’m very hopeful because this is the first time I’ve re-read what I have written and not instantly been disgusted. I know I’m always down on my own writing because I feel like it could be so much better. It’s always difficult to get an honest opinion from people, so I’ve not even bothered asking anyone to actually look at what I’ve written. At one point in time I was told my writing can inspire emotion, and I’ve seen it do so, but I’m unsure as if the story will connect with people long enough to create an opportunity to actually do that.

I’m also afraid that the motivation will fade over time. Some part of me says I am doing this because I have to prove it to myself, but what if I’m doing it to prove it to someone else? I don’t think I am, and I don’t want that to be the case. I’m trying to get over things as best I can, and I think some final words really showed me the reality of the situation. It hurts to think I was naive in that manner to label something in a fashion that it was not even close to being. I think that is the worst part. I feel stupid. Like a joke, and that at times I’m being laughed at.