In the early morning, after a long day, when you are right on the verge of being tired you can learn so much about yourself. I sometimes tend to turn off the music, sit in the dark and let my thoughts wander. It is strange to say that you can not know things about yourself, but I think there are parts of us we all do not know about, rather it is not wanting to acknowledge them, or general ignorance of them.
I tend to appreciate these moments of self-reflection and discovery because sometimes I think I have fooled myself into believing that I am someone I am not. No, I don’t think my identity is different, but my person. The sum of the parts that make up who I am are different in my eyes than what others see. Most would argue that this is a necessity, that our self-image should not be derived from what others think of us. However, deception of oneself is still deception.
At times I find it difficult to rely on others, too many times I’ve been left alone to make my own decisions, or I am the one who is required to have the answers for others. My stubborn nature doesn’t help in the effort, I am sure. Often the feedback I get is negative when it comes to my personality, all too often others are more than willing to point out your flaws and assume that the good parts are just known. The last couple of years of my life have been just that, mostly the tearing down of my personality by those who are motivated to see it changed for their own purposes. Thusly, I sometimes get the impression I have very little to offer that isn’t tainted by my flaws. I know this to be untrue, but at times that sinking feeling, as I most definitely lay alone, is that they are correct.
So what revelations in the night? Mostly that is for me to know, but that I may not be the person I claim to be, but I’m also not the person they claim I am either.
